I’m pretty sure no one reads this blog…firstly because there has been nothing new for quite a long time and secondly because I stopped being interesting a long time ago.

So I figured this was as good a place as any to vent some of my feelings. Perhaps there is a small part of me that imagines someone will actually see this, but I’m not sure if they could offer any solace.

I have a good life. My family is amazing and healthy. I love my wife and she loves me. My kids think I’m a dork but I’m sure they love me and rely on my presence to help them be centered. I drive a fairly nice car and live in a nice house, with a pool. We have two cats that annoy but amuse my wife and kids enough to be kept. There isn’t anything material that I need that I don’t have.

Then what’s the problem? People are dying in the streets everyday. There are people who will never have anything close to what I’ve got. This is VERY true and the source of some consternation and guilt I put on myself for feeling differently.

I feel like I’m broken and don’t work like everyone else. There is something inside of me that prevents me from being happy with myself or anything I create. I like to think of myself as a creative type.

As a hobby I’ve been a photographer and video producer for a little over 10 years.

I say “hobby” because I’ve not felt able to figure out a way to monetize my work. I’ve come up with some great ideas, but they’ve stayed ideas. Sure, I’ve had plans. Plans to do Real Estate photography and videography, plans to make promotional videos for businesses, plans to do ALL KINDS OF THINGS. That’s all they’ve amounted to…plans. In fact, if ideas equated success I’d be famous.

My life is littered with great, unfulfilled ideas.

This is some mechanism in my head that grinds me to a halt. My entire life I’ve always heard, “if he would apply himself he would do so much better.” What the fuck does that mean to a disgruntled kid…or the adult that kid became. So I guess figuring it out is a lifelong task for me. I just want to do something in this world that lasts.

I tie my self worth and opinion into this inability to finish things and follow through. It’s not lost on me that it’s probably tied into the things I went through as a young person. I just don’t know how to figure it out on my own so I just keep waking up. I know I’ve got SOMETHING inside of me to contribute but I don’t know if I’ll ever know how to get to it.

I’ve got no idea why I chose a photo of an orange.